Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl’s name is?
Me: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are.
Lauren: You’re no fun, Dad. Forget it.
Me: What is a vowel?
Lauren: OK, OK. A vowel is … ahh … eh … well, oh … uh …
(2)
Repeat That, Mate?
If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2.
Recording on an Australian tax help line
(3)
Steven Wright on Language Tapes
I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.
(4)
The Unathletic Camper’s Baseball Glossary
Baseball bat: a wooden or metal bar that can easily fly out of someone’s hands.
Foul ball: a moment when you think, Holy @#$%, I got a hit!
Babe Ruth: someone who people tell you was also overweight.
Right field: a quiet place where you can sit for long stretches and play with dandelions. Until suddenly you hear a clang and some shouting and immediately understand life is about to get much harder.
Fly ball: when the sun drops a boulder on your head.
Shortstop: a position that involves mostly ground balls and that you think maybe you can play.
Line drive: the reason you can’t play shortstop.
Innings: the amount of time left before afternoon snack, divided by nine.
Marc Philippe Eskenazi, in the New Yorker
(5)
A Place Where Grandkids Belong
We were tearing down an old three-seater outhouse when my neighbor asked if she could have the single-plank, three-hole outhouse seat. I said sure.
Six months later, she invited me to her home. There she showed off her newly designed family room, complete with a single-plank, three-hole picture frame featuring her three grandchildren.
(6)
Eliza Bayne on Bikini Dangers
Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”
(7)
How To Translate Work Emails
I have a question. = I have 18 questions.
I’ll look into it. = I’ve already forgotten about it.
I tried my best. = I did the bare minimum.
Happy to discuss further. = Don’t ask me about this again.
No worries. = You really messed up this time.
Take care. = This is the last you’ll ever hear from me.
Cheers! = I have no respect for you or myself!
(8)
Liz Hackett On What The ’80s Taught Her
If growing up in the ’80s taught me one thing, it’s that my friends and I should have found a treasure map by now.
(9)
Karen Kilgariff On The Walking Dead
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears, you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this, now?”
(10)
The Problem With Scooby-Doo
Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
